Finding balance in the early years

21st January 2025

This article is about finding ourselves as parents and letting go of the person we once were, so that we can find ourselves in our new lives and create a new sense of balance.

If you have little-ones this is for you. It is about the seemingly near impossible challenge of finding a sense of balance in our lives as new parents or seasoned parents with newish little-ones. It probably seems that balance is a far away dream, over the rainbow, and belonging to another time in another land, because right now it is all about just getting through the day, right!

It feels intense, overwhelming, frustrating, limiting, exhausting, you cannot do 99% of all the things you used to do and if you try you fall a steep cliff off the lines of perfection! And, it is so incredibly rewarding, there is so much warmth, joy, affection, love, playfulness, laughter, and you may just do it all again, maybe you already did, testament to just how much we love our children.

The reality is, parenting it an intensely beautiful experience, or should that be intense and beautiful, some say it gets easier as the little-ones grow, others tell me it’s just a different difficult, but they always say this from a more relaxed physical stance.

Balance – It is what I describe as a state of being where you sustain a rhythmic flow with all that you are juggling while breathing steadily as you move through your day. Your mindset is able to filter the negative and fuel the positive, your emotions are on a even keel, because you can manage your time, your work load, your home load, your needs, the needs of your little-ones, and the essential needs of your life in general are being met, or you feel ‘on it’ when they are not, and this is usually happening because you are nourishing, hydrating, sleeping, moving and taking care of yourself, with time to attend to what matters most.

So, the BIG QUESTION is, during the early years with little-ones, and I emphasise the plural, because in my experience, one baby was a challenge, but two is like at least three and if you have more than one little-one, you know – how do we get anywhere close to balance?

LET GO – this is the first lesson I really understood, but it is a constant learning. ‘Let go’ of the to-do list, the laundry, the cleaning, the mess, the need to be on time, the gym, nights out, days out, clean clothes for more than 25 seconds, and any idea of getting a good night sleep. This level of letting go I just about managed to accept, but this is just the beginning! What no one tells you is that on becoming a parent, you don’t just take on a very precious new life to nurture, love and grow, you also loose the person you were. It took me a while to move into this level of acceptance and letting go of what was. I kept expecting myself to be able to be and do all that I was able to do before, and in striving to uphold that status quo I had to move so fast, and fast means breathing faster, thinking faster, acting faster, and stress, because you just cannot move fast with little-ones, try, I dare you, it’s a recipe for tears all round.

SLOW DOWN – the very real and most important lesson, and indeed a challenge, is to slow down. This means breathing slower, letting go of even more, which may look like extending work related deadlines, delegating, letting go of further expectations, saying ‘no’ to family and friends, and inviting them to become more adaptive to your current needs. The challenge of slowing down and breathing deeper, is that it brings us into our present, and in the present, all that we are feeling, but get distracted from because we are moving ‘too fast,’ becomes visible. I am speaking of the discomfort that arises when you have to accept you just cannot do all that you need and want, and you move into the grief space where you meet a deeper level of acceptance that says ‘Breathe…let go…it’s okay…you are a parent now…it is time for loving, nurturing and growing little souls’.

KEEP BREATHING – If you can slow down, let go and keep breathing, deeply, you are going to move into a new balance.

If you feel like improving your balancing act, keep reading…

PRIORITISE WHAT REALLY MATTERS – When I did this, I found myself looking at a page of values:

Calm mummy (calm mummy means happy home; happiness is a core value)
Sleep (essential to function of mind and body)
Time (to create more sleep, to manage the business, to feel able to move slower and be calm)
Exercise (I want my pre-baby body back and to be able to lift my growing boys)
Nourish (balances mind and body)

On analysis, there is more letting go to be done.

‘To feel able to move slower and be calm’, is a want. ‘Time’ is not the priority, rather it is shifting the mindset to simply choose to breathe slower, deeper, and consciously through the day that allows for this value to be realised.

Pre-baby body is a want, not a need. Exercise happens in the home, in the playground, and in all honesty, it could happen while the little-ones play; it’s a discipline issue not a time issue.

This left me with: Happiness, sleep and body nourishment. If I just focus on the pursuit of true happiness, get enough sleep and look after my body, I move towards balance

ACCEPT

Some things are harder now, some things take more effort than they used to, because we are sleep deprived, and we just have so much more responsibility. When we accept the ‘hard’, we write down our to do list, and simply move through it one item at a time, at ‘mummy pace’, not the old pace, we move towards balance.

CONNECT

When you can breathe deeper, move slower, sleep enough, accept the changes, prioritise well, then it is time for connection.

Connect more with yourself; ask yourself, ‘How am I feeling now?’, ‘How am I managing?’, ‘What do I really need?’, ‘How can I give myself what I need the very most?’. And to what ever comes up, respond to your needs with the voice of loving kindness, meeting your needs with that is within your power and possibility. From this softer space with yourself, you become softer, you move into the present, calmer, slower, with your heart open and your mind at rest. Here, you will connect in a much better place with your little-ones, and they will feel it, they will have more of their essential needs met (time with you, present and connected) and you will all move into a new sense of balance. And, it is through this practice of present-felt connection that we discover the person, and parent, we have become.