The early days of fostering empathy

10th January 2025

I’m happy to share that my 2025 begun with positive progress in I approach overwhelm! It took a while to learn that saying ‘No’ to a 2-year-old really doesn’t bring about the desired outcome. Indeed, I remember, with a fondness, my then 1 and half year old, responding to my very first ‘No’ with the most exuberant laughter, to which I tried with great restraint not to join. Saying ‘No’ had little impact on him and for his younger brother, the response is usually a slow head turn towards me, followed by a wide grin with a twinkle in his eye, before indulging with greater passion in whatever he is doing, and with the most contagious laughter. I know he knows what he is doing is wrong in my eyes, and he really just finds it very funny.

My continuous requests to ‘stop’ and my ‘No’ commands serve only to grow my stress, and attain little, except sometimes momentary pause, for what may be a stunned second or two. To give context, my loud ‘Nooooo’s’ and ‘STOOOPS!’ are because something is being attempted into an albeit child protected electric socket, someone is attempting a jump towards what only I know will end in tears or hospital, a bold new climb towards a hot hob, sharp knife, glass-wear, or climbing frame peak is in progress, or wallpaper is being torn from a significant spot in my living room before potential buyers arrive to view; 80% of the time it is danger related and the rest, my false perception of urgency preceding over empathy, which leads me towards the focus of this journal entry: empathy.

Empathic communication was my nature for a long time, and at times a little too much. Shockingly, for my parenting and professional roles, and with my friendships, this dwindled upon becoming a mother, especially after the birth of my second son. I know why, I was so severely sleep deprived, with all focus on my babies and no time to just process my life. I had little capacity to just return to centre, calm and presence; to be present with another, a state of being I had particularly valued with my first baby boy, when there was time to be there, present, connected, in love, with the gift of sleeping when he slept facilitating this. When the world is spinning in constant reaction to the very real and constant needs of such vulnerable little ones, while the very real challenges of daily life continue, it feels like there is no time to breathe, and actually, and more accurately, there is no time to breathe properly, because as parents of little ones we are in constant reaction, with adrenalin pumping in response to perceived urgency. In this state of mind, empathy is an almost impossible state to attain.

If you read my last post, you know I made the intention to cultivate a calmer 2025 and that I initiated this by taking three weeks off (well two weeks off from seeing clients giving a week to indulge in another writing project), so that I could calm my system and return myself to a more present and empathic state of being, and it is working, phew! From a calmer operations, I find myself replacing ‘Nooo’ and ‘STOPPP’, most of the time, with a slower movement towards my child, lowering myself to their level, holding their hand, and explaining what I need them to do, and why:

‘Louie, when you don’t like something, please put it back on this plate and not on the floor’.

Response: Smile, grin, and repeated throwing of food item

Me: (Deep breathe) ‘Louie, when you throw your food on the floor, I feel frustrated because I have to do more cleaning’

His response. None. This is a result, because although he said nothing, for whatever reason, he stopped throwing food. However, three minutes later food throwing commenced.

My response: Breathe. Shift into empathy; consider his needs over mine and why he is doing this, other than what may be the simple excited impulse of a three-year-old, move closer to him, hold his hand, look into his eyes and gain his attention: ‘Louie, would you like to come and sit on mama to have your dinner?’

His response: a big smile and a move onto my lap where his whole behaviour shifted from throwing and at times demanding me to feed him, to taking ownership of his fork, calming down and having better interactions with his little brother. This is proving to be a successful strategy because what I am learning, now that I stop, breathe and turn attention back to their needs instead of my overwhelm, is that most of the time they simply want my attention, because they want my affection, and what must be a harsh reality for Louie is that he doesn’t get nearly as much as he received before his brother came along.

I believe that with my boys about 50% of unwanted behaviours are due to wanting motherly affection. The other 50% are a compilation of learning to experience emotions, particularly frustration, hunger, thirst, tiredness, or being teased by the other brother, and sometimes as a result of the rush of a feeling of excitement. When I notice the root of their presenting behaviours, I say things like:

I think you are tired, thirsty or hungry now. They don’t always recognise this, usually because they have become too distressed, so I comfort them with cuddles and offer them the needed remedy. This way I am teaching them to understand and connect with their own needs. Let’s see how it progresses! When it is sibling related, I’m teaching Louie to manage frustration by naming it with him, and expressing in a frustrated grunt, letting it go, which he does with growing frequency, now naming it without my assistance. There are still many meltdowns, but I see the emotional regulation emerging. What I am doing is trying to foster self-empathy for my eldest son, so that in recognising what he is feeling, he can learn healthy responses.

When there are screaming outcomes from sibling rivalry, I find the noise overwhelming, so I am being more mindful to remind myself that they are just dealing with overwhelming emotions, just like me with multiple loud noises, and because I want them to learn to make a healthy response to their own feeling worlds, I better do so as well; telling myself this calms me, and shift the focus from my need to their need, because let’s face it, I cannot do anything about the noise in the moment, but I can attend to their needs and I want to: I love motherhood. What they need is soothing, calming and a loving response and I can give this when my head is in the right place; when I attend to my immediate need and my immediate need; what I need to do, is not stop the noise, it is to soothe my child, I just need to give myself a breath or two to raise this as a conscious priority above my instant reaction.

In the midst of an argument, I ask: ‘Louie and Georgio, what is happening?’ (understand the problem through their eyes), and then I repeat back what I am understanding. This shows them I understand what is causing their distress.

What do you need? I then ask my older son, and am often met with something like ‘I need Georgio to stop talking to me!’

‘You want him to be a baby again?’ I suggest, ‘So then he is quiet and doesn’t break your toys; I continue.

‘Yes!’ States Louie firmly.

‘It’s upsetting when he breaks your toys and frustrating to try to fix them again’, I share, connecting with what I understand about what he is feeling.

‘Yes!’, he affirms, then I give him a hug to soothe his upset

‘What shall we do now?’ I ask, giving him a chance to foster a growth mindset

Usually, he repeats his request for a regression in his little brother

‘Georgio is growing, he loves to play with you and he likes to play with your toys, just like you love to play with his toys’. I offer and usually he does not respond.

I then lift Georgio up, give him cuddles and take him towards a playful distraction and away from breaking his brothers’ toys and games. I’m modelling empathy, acceptance, solutions focused thinking and distraction as coping strategies. The result, a calmer mother and a faster return to calmness for my boys, sometimes, while hopefully fostering empathy and healthy responses in my boys.

My next focus is to encourage empathy between them, and I am going to do this by asking them to consider what the other person is thinking or feeling when the situation arises, so I better understand where they are at in empathy development and how I can nurture and support this development within two- and three-year-old.

Love Lovingly is a mothers journal about teaching her children to live from the heart.

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