The very most important thing

I was about to share some success stories with you about learning to better absorb the cries of both boys whinging their demands in unison, while engaging in varied demonstrations of frustration upon each other, and now the Christmas tree!, whereupon, I calmly breathed through the noise triggered sensations, reminding myself how I am choosing to be, for our peace. And then the boys developed symptoms of a mild virus, with rashes, low energy, poor appetite and increased thirst for my milk; one night my little-one awoke every hour for his soothing ‘mama milk’. Needless to say, three days later, my ability to calm the sensations triggered by too many demanding noises at the same time brought about stories of defeat, failure and disappointment, leading me to ask:

How do we maintain calm in the storm and the be parents we want to be when we haven’t slept for 3 days, or 3 years?

Believe me, I have tried to maintain the calm; I have walked away, screamed into pillows, breathed through the urge to scream, replaced a looming eruption with a quick distraction or a reason to laugh, I’ve employed tickling, and I have regularly mindfully surrendered my ego, letting go of my ‘I wants’ to prioritise theirs, because in most cases my ‘I want’s’ can wait, sacrifice is a BIG part part of the mother role, and they need soothing more than I need to do whatever I am doing when I am with them, but, when I have not slept enough for too long, in an already sleep deprived state, which let’s face it, unless you have a nanny per child, a relatively low stress job or you don’t work and have a comfortable financial status, with a good amount of ‘me time’ to work out, enjoy some of your hobbies, or even just ten minutes a day when you know you can just stop, breathe, have a cup of tea before it goes cold for the fourth time, and without having to hold it at arm’s length while the babies jump around you causing your nervous system to spike when you just need a moment of calm, then really, is the quest for peaceful parenting actually realistic?

NO IT ISN’T! At almost four years into single parenting two little boys, I am starting to realise that maybe the ‘peaceful parenting’ quest is akin to the quest for eternal youth; it captivates large audiences with promises of what so many want, but truly is it unattainable!

It is time to walk in the real world, and of course I want to calm myself and create a peaceful setting and I shall continue to strive for what is possible, but let go of the impossible, because it is not possible to get the sleep I need or take the ‘me time’ that would help this scenario, not yet. Some of you will relate to this and feel the pressure of people saying: ‘you need to prioritise you’ and yes, they are right, and it is a ‘need’, but in the middle of the night, my children need me, and when they are distressed, my children need me to soothe them, and I ‘need’ to work, and there are not enough hours in the day to attend to everything, even when everything is important.

What I experience now is somewhat similar to what happens in companies that are growing quickly and making adjustments to market demands; there are a host of tasks, projects and important needs to attend to, and there are the company objectives and ideals that the leaders strive to attain, and with all good intent, but amidst the ever changing currents of uncertainty, where not everything can be planned for, and when there are not always all the resources needed to uphold the ideal status, what are the leaders to do when it is simply impossible to operate in the desired way?

As leaders of the home and family or an entire corporate enterprise with hundreds or thousands of people, each with unique skills, talents, needs and wants, when we cannot create or uphold the ideal values, goals, practices and behaviours that we authentically strive for, what we can do is determine what is the very most important thing?

What is the very most important thing?

For me, it is that my boys know they are loved and safe, that I help them maintain good health, that they love and believe in themselves, and that we have fun together. Peace is important, but it sits one degree below safety, love, self-esteem and fun, and maybe I can only give four out of five right now. The thing about knowing I can honour my very top priorities is that it gives a sense of strength and of peace. Sometimes the path we seek is attained in ways we had not considered.

When I reflect on the very most important thing, we are good. Yes, there are stressors all around and sometimes I manage them well and sometimes I don’t and so what I can do is model for my boys realistic expectations and acceptance; I will allow my boys the grace to react and respond as they are able, embracing them in acceptance and love, and I shall offer myself the same grace, while continuing to strive for our greater peace, when we can, and returning to peace quickly when it is disturbed.

I think learning to return to peace quickly is a more realistic goal then trying to maintain peace. I can do this now, and this supports helping my boys feel safe and loved.

A question for you:

As a leader of home and family life, or people or an entire organisation, what are your most important values and goals, and if you had to prioritise your priorities, what would this look like, and what would it give you and your people?

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If you would like to better integrate your most important values and priorities into your daily life, my new book ‘Grow Your Love Grow your Life’ is designed to help you define what matters and empowers you to grow the inner resources that enable you to attain this.