Who loves you?
Who loves you?
I believe that teaching our children to love themselves unconditionally is the most important, empowering and loving gift we can offer, because when a person truly loves themselves, and I am not speaking of narcissistic love which is rooted in low self-esteem, but true love; grounded in self-acceptance, self-worth, self-belief, and a deeply ingrained knowing that you are worthy of love and kindness, and hold the capacity to honour your truth, maintain integrity, feel empowered and own the confidence to strive for your big and exciting dreams, while making healthy life choices, and responding to self and others with care, compassion and kindness. Living in this loving way awards our children the greatest potential for good health, happiness and a deeply fulfilling and joyful life, regardless of what happens on their path, because in the presence of true love, there is core strength to hold themselves through trauma, loss and suffering and rise beyond challenges; true love is the root and the essence of great strength, courage, and genuine power.
I have dedicated years to learning to love myself, and now, with the understanding and knowledge about the power of true love, why we lose it and how to reclaim it, and while striving to get better at living it, my focus is now on how I raise my young children in true love. I do not profess to know the answers yet, the purpose of my writing is to share my exploration and learning along the way, while giving focus to the power of intentional loving practice.
I grounded my intention to raise my children within a framework of heart-centred values through a blessing ceremony, where I affirmed that I would uphold and model authenticity, acceptance, affection, compassion, empathy, empowerment, kindness, forgiveness, trust, and understanding, and with all good intention I set out to mindfully honour this.
The early days now seem like a honey-moon period, a time when I was caring for one little boy, with time to dedicate myself fully to him when I was with him, to sleep when he slept, and find a healthy balance with my work and new life as a mother. I did not need to think much about my loving practices because I was simply in love; loving him, responding to his needs with my full heart. Sure, there were challenges and many things I could not do the way I used to be able to do, and certainly not at the speed of my past, but in most cases I managed to embrace this in healthy acceptance.
Twenty months later my second son was born, and when I thought my first one had all my love, I discovered that love simply expands by its very own nature. Quickly severe sleep deprivation, lack of time to sustain my business, and lack of resources to gain said needed sleep and time to work took a heavy toll. The ‘honey-moon’ was over, and with no time to sleep or rest, I became emotionally reactive, and existed in a state of constant exhaustion, struggling to manage my life, while time to reflect and create solutions was confined to the dream time; my only ‘free time’.
There was no question about my love for my boys, and so at times I allowed forgiveness to settle my inner storm. But I could not keep forgiving the same thing; the repeated emotional reactions to their cries and screams because I was too overwhelmed and exhausted to self-regulate; from forgiveness there has to be learning, growth and change, otherwise the words lose their loving quality. I needed a moment to stop and breathe, to stand back and reflect to see what needed to be done, so that I could return to being a loving mother, fully, in thought, feeling, words and deeds, because as much as I loved them, I was not loving them the way I wanted to love them and certainly not the way they needed to be loved.
Thankfully, a moment of financial respite when I needed it the most gave me some time and space to breathe, calm my nerves and consider solutions and during this time, life continued to bring what I needed…
‘Who loves you?’, a question posed by a mother of four children who entered my life at a much-needed girls’ night out, the first moment for myself in over six months; an evening on the beach with cherished friends and new arrivals. We caught up on our activities and holiday’s (for the lucky ones), we shared our work updates and learnt about our new friends where I shared my passion for empowering adults and children to learn to love themselves and why I believe self-love is the key to authentically loving others and realising one’s greatest power, possibility and potential in life. The conversation opened up; “Who loves you?” – a phrase Lucy offered when sharing how she teaches her children to love: “It is what I say to my children at bedtime” she continued; “Who loves you? I love you… You love you… Daddy loves you…” and I thought how beautiful to offer teachings in self- love from the early years in such a simple and powerful way that can be so easily integrated into the daily routine and embedded into their mental programming to become their early emerging voice of love.
The conversation ignited and once recognition of raising our children in true love was established, we moved to the rather more challenging matter of how we love them? To say “I love you and you love you” holds power because it forms beliefs that can become powerful self-affirmations, but we have to make the words matter if they are to hold their power through the course of their lives, otherwise the words “I love you”, offered in a realm where frustrated shouting happens in place of empathy, compassion and loving responses to children’s needs, become meaningless. There is also a possibility that seeds of a deeper truth then become planted in a child’s mind, seeds that form beliefs about vulnerability not being safe, emotional pain and distress not being acceptable, their needs for affection and loving kindness not met when they need it most, and that their pure authentic being is not okay, because they are simply too much for mummy to manage. Should such beliefs form, a child may learn to supress, shut down, avoid sharing their difficulties and challenges, and begin to feel alone, separated, isolated and unable to manage their own big world of feelings and emotions, which can lead to life long battles with mental and emotional difficulties, authentic presence and forming healthy relationships.
I had to find a way to better regulate my emotions, in the name of true love. I already had the tools; mindfulness and effective emotion management responses, what I really needed was sleep, so that my brain could function well enough to apply them! My priority action became clear: I have to find a way to get more sleep, so that I can teach my boys the most important life lessons; that they are beings of love, accepted, valued, wanted, that their needs can be met, their emotions embraced with loving responses and that they are truly loved, and getting more sleep meant loving myself enough to do everything I could to attain this.
When I began to rest a little more, my nervous system calmed, and in the calm it became clear that my way of being was not just about a need for sleep, but a need to reclaim my life because I had given it all to my boys; I need to take back my life and find a new way of living and being as the mother I had become. The truth is, I have not yet accepted that I am a mother, and this is based on the fact that I still expect myself to operate as I did before I was a mother; as a highly organised and efficient muti-tasker who was able write books in the morning, see clients in the afternoon, run workshops on Friday’s, steadily grow my business, run a community network, maintain an active social life, stay fit, support others and have time to study, paint and rest on the beach when I choose. I wanted to be able to do it all and be a really great mother, but that is quite simply a delusion!
I needed to reclaim my life as the mother I had become, within the realm of reality and in alignment with the true values of my heart as they are now and to be able to say to my boys, in full authenticity, “I love you and I am going to show you all the reason why this is true; when I am with you, I want to be fully with you as you need me to be, and I want to be the peace, the love, the safety, the security, the reliability, the steadiness, the voice of love and the person you can fully trust, always’.
When I actually deep-dived into the full meaning of my words it became apparent that a radical life change was needed; I needed to embrace motherhood, review my life vision, and let go of so much unrealistic expectation.
My vision became clear and the priority action implemented: I stopped seeing clients for a month, I rested, I slept, I focused all my ‘working-time’ on stepping up into my greater career vision, and I began to calm my pace, so that I could be more present and peaceful with my boys. I do not know what next month will bring, but right now, this new way is helping our situation and this is what I can do for now, for myself, for my boys, and for love. Yes, it comes with a certain amount of risk, but risk in the name of love is not really a risk if whatever happens you get better at loving. Means to generate money can be found in many ways, with possibility to make new choices at any time, and yes, this my come with change, discomfort, uncertainty and difficulty, but if my children feel loved, safe, secure, supported, accepted, valued and they grow healthy self-esteem and loving qualities, my story becomes one of great success.
The cost of taking a little ‘me time’ and ‘slowing my pace’ while putting my career focus on stepping up into my greater vision, will bring a calmer and happier mummy due to the nature of the pace of my work and prioritising of sleep, it also means: the sink may begin to pile high sometimes, the white sofa (don’t ask) may take on the resemblance of a Jackson pollock painting, because mummy is letting go of reacting to mess with such speed, and we will surely be late to some meetings and events, because mummy is letting go of urgency when it is not needed, it may also happen that clothes may not match as well as they used too, because mummy is letting go of ‘perfect’, and we might leave the house with paint on our hands because mummy is more focused on what matters most. The gift is, we will all be calmer, happier and feel the presence of true love in our lives so much more, I hope!
We have to love ourselves so that we can love our children the way they need to be loved. Self-love is not selfish, a luxury or an ideal, self-love is essential to raising our children in true love and right now, self-love means taking time for sleep and taking risk in the direction of greater heart-centred dreams that hold the capacity to grow our lives in new a beautiful way that support living in a way that allows for love to be lived in its most majestic splendour.
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