Better conversations with others begins with better conversations with self.

I’ve facilitated several team workshops on the theme: ‘Having better conversations’ for the purpose of improving relationships, performance, retention, well-being, and self-confidence. This article presents some of the effective practices that help foster ‘better conversation’s’ and highlights why having better conversations with other people begins by having better conversations with ourselves, and why doing so may juts bring about a cultural revolution!

Empathic connection – I often initiate a workshop by inviting people to connect with themselves; to notice their thoughts, feelings and sensations and to consider their own needs. This sense of connection with self is what allows people to mindfully care for self, so that they can reflect on thought processes; to notice why certain thoughts are occurring, why they feel the way they feel, what is having a positive or negative impact on them, and what is needed to restore or maintain a sense of balance and well-being? Only when we connect with ourselves in this empathic way, so that we experience a felt sense about how we are, do we allow for an empathic connection with another to develop, so that we experience a felt sense of what they may be feeling, and what their needs may be.

Empathic connections between co-workers helps to foster a human connection in a realm that can become very much task-focused; people are so focused on getting things done, that the person behind the ‘doing’ gets overlooked. When we do not practice self-empathy, it is because other things in life are more important, which is often reflected in how we approach others; we fail to connect with who they are as a person, because we do not do this for ourselves. When we do, our human nature is revived and we begin to want to connect in heart and mind with our fellow human beings, because we understand the value of authentic human connection. With the practice of self-empathy, the seeds of compassion can develop and it is here that we birth better conversations.

Next, I invite people to learn and practice the art of Active Listening or I infuse active listening with empathic and compassionate listening to deepen the human connection.

Active Listening – when we truly listen to someone, showing that we are present with them, reflecting back to them what we understand about what they are saying, and asking questions that reflect our interest to learn more or that facilitate them in moving towards a solution or positive action; that we genuinely want to support, empower or help them, we serve to foster understanding and trust with a person, while improving task efficiency because expectations are clearer from the start. Embracing active listening requires the ‘listener’ to maintain presence, without distraction, be that external distraction or from intrusive thoughts that take the ’listener’ away from the present conversation. Maintaining presence brings us back to empathy; the ability to be with, connect with and attend to self, so that, in this case, the intrusive thoughts are noticed and quickly sent on their way, and that eventually you become so well trained at being present with another that intrusive thoughts do not even enter your mind. To be able to hold this presence happens when we are able to hold our internal peace, which is rooted in being at peace with self. Being at peace with self is being able to say to yourself, in response to whatever is going on around you: ‘right now, I am okay with me, I can be with me, I can manage how I am thinking and feeling, and I can attend to anything else that requires my attention later’; we listen better to other people, when we have better conversations with ourselves, and this is rooted in self-love and acceptance.

At this point, a lot of internal work has been processed and people need a break, and some need time to process the thoughts, feelings, emotions and learnings that have arisen, so I have learned to give more time to personal reflection at this stage, before inviting people to the next activity, a practice that I believe needs to become integrated as corporate culture, because when there is too much ‘doing’ and not enough ‘being’, there is little time to process the information from one meeting to the next, allow for empathic presence and human connection, because the system is wired to move fast, achieve, react and do, instead of move at a sustainable pace that supports well-being, human connection, better conversations, mindful responses and being present with people or tasks, in the name of accuracy, efficiency, positivity, well-being, enhanced performance, valued reflection time, retention, better relationships and smoother operations.

Acceptance Coaching – Sometimes, I will invite people to a discussion on the art of acceptance, although I find this practice is usually more effective in the one-to-one coaching sessions that run each month to facilitate personal and professional development and allow for integration of learning, and sustained growth. The art of acceptance invites people to accept who they are, how they are, how the situation is, was and may be, for the purpose of dissolving internal and external conflicts, so that a mindful move towards peace can occur, from which a person or team is better able to focus on high performance, and all the qualities that really drive this.

Acceptance is rooted in how we think and what we believe, which leads to how we feel and behave and the choices we make. When our mind is trained to operate from acceptance, our critical voices and negative perceptions have better boundaries before them, making for a more positive experience for one and all. Acceptance starts when we decide to have better conversations with ourselves; when we own our feelings and emotions, own how we respond to our beliefs, thoughts and life experiences, and when we choose to love ourselves enough to be compassionate, be kind, and be real, leading to an end to internal conflict and the growth of inner peace, which very naturally becomes what we project in our world.

Through empathy, acceptance, and active and compassionate communication with ourselves and each other, we grow a foundation that has the potential to bring about a cultural revolution that will change the way we live and work, and it all begins with deciding to have better conversations with ourselves.

Author and coaching psychologist BSc MSc GMBPs MICF PCC