This weekend I had the pleasure of co-creating a beautiful community connecting event in my local village, a ‘Madhatters tea party’ at the ‘Greengables’ child and family centre in Sotogrande, with live music, arts and crafts activities for all the family, puppet shows, treasure hunts, stories and an artisan and eco-market, inviting many members of our local community to connect and collaborate in bringing together a fun-filled day of entertainment, joy and creativity. The sun-bathed garden came to life in a peaceful collective with children laughing in the sandpit, bouncing on the castles, playing croquet on the lawn, and enjoying a healthy array of treats and delights from the colourful stalls, while parents lounged under parasols, enjoyed their picnics, and together, all delighted in the beautiful and calming music from the Atrium music group, with their piano and violin duet. In the woodland garden, the artisan and eco-market presented participants with an opportunity to sample local organic honey, freshly made paellas, to meet local authors and artists, and purchase stunning silk dresses, and local hand-made ceramics and beauty products, and to meet the wonderful volunteers giving their time to support our local animal charity (SOCCs). The mad hat making competition was a highlight of the afternoon, with families playing together to create their colourful creations, driven, in some cases by a burning motivation to win the grand prize; a hamper full of delights from the artisan and eco-market, graciously donated or gifted through our sponsors (Helicopteros Sanitarios, Collect Corner, Atrium and Antonia Behan). The feedback has been very encouraging, with a strong appreciation for the energy and space created by all who made it happen; a reflection of the Sotogrande family way of life that so many wish to celebrate and enjoy more often! As with all events there are areas to improve and I recognise improvements in areas of sound quality and learning how to better incorporate a market space to improve the flow of the day. The key area of reflection from the day that I would really like to address is a topic that I believe will be of interest to many, and a topic I am grateful for having being brought to my attention: Competition in children. I think many in our community know of my passion for living and leading from love; the essence of my professional work with adults and adolescents, businesses and schools, developed through two decades of learning and professional training and practice in the areas of developmental psychology and coaching. I love to explore and facilitate the integration of heart-centres values into the way we live, learn and work together, while empowering individuals to love, like and believe in themselves, because from this essence and foundation, anything is possible, and that possibility holds a greater chance of being something truly beautiful. But as this event, I failed. I’m okay with failure, finally, after most of my life not being okay with it Today, I embrace failure as a learning and growth opportunity, and this is what I am learning… Lesson #1: Slow down Trying to do too many passion-filled things, and with all good intention, as a single-mother by choice, raising two beautiful boys (Louie age 3 and Georgio, 18 months), while operating in a state semi-consciousness derived from about four years of sleep deprivation (If you are a parent, you know!), and while realising priorities need to be better defined, not fully implementing them, yet! As a consequence, I missed a really important element in the design of the day, and I did this because I was going ‘too fast’: lesson #1: Slow down Lesson #2: Play together The mad hatter’s competition was created to bring families together, to be together, to create and have fun together. My focus on connecting people in a positive way overshadowed the ‘how question’: ‘How am I approaching competition as a psychologist facilitating heart-centred living?’ In her book, ‘Playing to Win: Raising Children in a Competitive Culture’, psychologist Hillary Friedman describes the findings of her doctoral dissertation in sociology at Princeton University, which was focused on the investment in competitive activities for young children. The learning outcome, from a participant study of 95 parents, was that this investment was made because parents believe competition in childhood helps to prepare children from the competitive nature of the adult world, and on the surface I would nod in agreement because it seems logical; early exposure to competition would surely bring children opportunity to learn how to celebrate success modestly, embrace disappointment, and manage other competition generated feelings and emotions in a healthy way, notably through reflective discussion with parents and caregivers. Last night, when I reflected on the nature of the ‘mad hatters competition’: families making a beautiful mad hat, where all of the ‘mad hats’ were truly worthy of equal praise and pride, I thought about how the children may have experienced this event and competitive element. I can only truly know by asking them, so I am interested to head about this feedback in the coming days. I think it would be fair to offer competition is not fun, at least for the one who is consistently losing, what it is, is pressure, adrenalin, and a focus away from connection with self and pure creative expression and into the head with eyes looking outwards, and onto the prize; I would like to explore this more. For now, I give focus to what I can explore, and this is how competition has presented itself in my world? In the past, there were times when a feeling of competition would have led me to take a step back, let the other person rise or win, because it felt like too much energy was needed to compete, it felt uncomfortable and that the other person was ‘too loud’, and the reason I felt this was because on the one hand I do not enjoy high adrenalin, and on the other, because deep down, as I later realised, I did not believe in myself. Competition drained and deflated me and consequently inhibited my possibility and potential. Later on, there were times when competition gave me energy, prompting me to ‘do better’, work ‘harder’, and give more energy to my pursuits. However, the underlying feeling was always stressful, somewhat aggressive, and with an element of urgency that didn’t make me feel good, and often left me drained after that momentary ‘high’. I would have been wiser to move with my ‘inner tortoise’ instead of trying to be the ‘hare’. When I took a further step back and I looked at the chapters of my life and the success stories I had to my name, I realised that my greatest successes had nothing to do with competition:
Competition has offered me no value, indeed, it has only served to create stress and anxiety, and in the strongest way from the teachers and the ‘very good UK private education system I was privileged to be given, where I was constantly bombarded with tests and exams from teachers who insisted I must get ‘A’s, and where a ‘C’ would have been classed a failure, which quickly translated to, ‘I will be a failure if I don’t get A’ or B’ in subjects that I certainly memorised for exams, but with content that has long since been forgotten. Even the content of my university degrees was clouded by the pressure to get the grades, while my joy for the subject and the knowledge I have embedded, has been gained from the books I choose to read, the research papers I have selected when life brought the theme to me, the therapists, healers and psychologists that helped me, the internships, and the opportunities and privileges I have been given to support adults and children in educational and clinical settings; my natural daily life, where freedom to learn held presidence over pressure to learn. Yes, you could argue that my degrees opened the doors of opportunity, and now I would say to you, yes, my degrees are of value, of great value, because they present me with one of the paths to do the work I love; they are many roads to living your essence. But, I would state now with hindsight, that there was no need for the competitive element, indeed I will stand for change and encourage a better way of learning for life and living our lives; freedom to learn and grow, over pressure. I see no value in competition. I see value in inspiration; let’s inspire our children to find their calling, through walking our own true paths, guided by the core values and deep passions of our own hearts and minds, and trust that our children, whatever they endure or encounter, will find their way, and generate the success in life that truly matters to them personally. When they are met with competitive energies, let them not respond with the voice of internal criticism, ego-centric celebration, anger or disappointment, rather, let them know the value of their experience, by giving them the freedom to connect with their joy for learning and creativity without pressure or negative judgement, so that whatever the outcome, they have had a liberating life experience. What we can do to support their path in life, and to embrace the challenges with reslience, is to empower our children to love, like and believe in themselves, to connect with themselves, their creative expression and their joy, gifting them the opportunity to discover who they are, to grow their core power and disocover joy for life, and this, in my experience, is far greater remedy for true life success. One of the most powerful ways for children to find themselves, believe in themselves, know themselves, and to connect with their joy, creativity and passion, is to let them play. Copyright Antonia Behan 2024 www.antoniabehan.com
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